Thursday, May 15, 2014

Handcuffs...Not Fuzzy

It was a normal Thursday morning, we were late, per usual, but I was doing my best to actually stop the car before I chucked Jack out the door at school!  Kidding, I always stop the car, but usually make him run up to the door by himself - one of his teachers is always right there waiting, don't judge me!

Side rant: Why am I always late, no matter how early I wake up, no matter what time of day, where we are going, who is going to be there, life or death - always late! I was never like this before kids were invented!? 

On this particular morning, Miss Crystal actually yelled for me, dammit, so I started walking up the drive. She was laughing, this can't be good; laughing + Jack is never good! Did he bite someone? Kick them in the muff? Pull their hair? Punch them in the boobies? Say they have a small penis? A million inappropriate scenarios were instantly running through my head...

Miss C: Did Tonya tell you about our Community discussion on Tuesday?
Me: No idea what you are talking about!? I'm late!
Miss C: Well you know, we are discussing our community right now during class!
I start back pedaling towards my car, emphasizing my lateness hurry...
Me: Oh, that's cool! Awesome!
Miss C: But Tonya didn't tell you what Jack said the other day?!
I'm now slightly dying on the inside! No, I don't know what he said and I'm 99% positive I don't want to know what he said - like EVER, FML...
Me:, I don't think so!?
The minute I saw the smirk on Jack's face and him spin on his heels and hightailed it inside, I knew this was going to be super awesome...
Miss C: Well, we were talking about our community and the people in I was asking the kids to raise their hands if they knew a Teacher, a Fireman, whatever. When I asked if anyone knew a Policeman, Jack kind of looked puzzled, then slowly raised his hand and said "I'm not totally sure, but I think my Daddy was a policeman a long time ago because I found some handcuffs in his bedroom!"
I busted out laughing, hysterically and was just shaking my head! Miss Crystal was laughing too...
Me: He did NOT!?
Miss C: Yeah, he did...he absolutely did!
Me: Well, I guess I should be honest...those weren't his Daddy's, they are mine! I also was NEVER a policeman and if you want to know, they aren't fuzzy! I'm hardcore, if you know what I mean!
I winked at her, she was hysterically laughing and wiping tears from her eyes! I continued to laugh, told her to have a good day and got in my car.

The story gets slightly better, if that's even possible! Jack's class went to visit the fire station the next week and got a little demonstration from a fireman about all his equipment, toured a fire truck, whatever right!? I ran in to Miss Crystal one evening at the park a few days later and she told me that I should be proud because Jack got it right this time! I was like what do you mean?  She said that when they were at the fire station Jack made it a point to tell the fireman doing the tour that his Momma had handcuffs in her bedroom, that they weren't the fuzzy kind, but that you were NEVER a policeman! 

That kid, I swear! He will be the death of me by public humiliation! He's lucky he is so damn cute!

What's the most embarrassing moment you've experienced at the hands of your kid(s)?!


  1. This is awesome. I would be absolutely mortified but you handled that like a freakin champ!

  2. OMG. #jacknolan
    Could you imagine how bad it would be if you were shy?!?? Good thing Jack has an awesome teacher!
    #thehorror Glad he didn't kick anyone in the muff.

  3. hahahah that is too much! Although, I have to admit I love when kids at my schools say that kind of stuff :)

  4. OMG. I love reading your post.... Your Jack sounds like my Tyler.... Love it

  5. Hilarous! What a funny story to tell him when he grows up :)