Motherhood: And How I May Need Medication to Survive the Rest...

Good Morning!  I have a special treat for you today!  My friend, Molly - she used to blog over at The Fuchsia News, and still posts randomly about every 6 months or so but says she is going to start back up again *don't hold your breathe, I've heard it a gazillion times before* is guest posting!  You see, Molly is on the "First Team of All American Moms" - she is the type of mom I wish I wanted to be, but currently I'm just not there yet...someday maybe, right now though I just don't fully understand or get it and that's ok!  Enjoy Molly's writing and let us know what your thoughts are on this whole motherhood thing!

This past weekend the girls, Gerrad and I were at the zoo, enjoying a gorgeous day outside as a family, and I could not seem to get my emotions under control. I was looking at all of these families with small children, parents chasing around tots, mothers holding the hands of their small little ones. It was a great day, but I was a mess internally. I'm not sure if it's the constant talk of my 'baby' going into Kindergarten, or my oldest baby starting the LAST year of elementary school this coming school year, or what my problem is, but this momma is a MESS on the inside. The littlest things have set me off this week for no reason, and yesterday took the cake. I watched this YouTube video, and the rest of the day was downhill flooded with emotions on and off. I'm sure some of you have seen this video floating around on facebook this week, if you haven't, you should definitely take the 7 minutes to watch it!

 

It's a simple video about enjoying every single ordinary day of motherhood, that's it, but the emotions it brought on were so ridiculous. Do I enjoy EVERY single thing? NO! Do I enjoy when my girls are yelling and about to claw each others eyes out? Heck no! Do I enjoy a simple hug and my littlest wanting to snuggle in bed with me and watch a movie? Most the time yes! Do I take for granted these moments? Every.single.ever-loving.day. 

We have made the decision to not have anymore children, I am perfectly OK with that decision. People ask all the time "Are you going to have anymore children?" Sometimes when I say no, the looks I get are a little funny. If you would have asked me a year ago if I was done, I would have said "Maybe." Now I'm sure that I'm OK with the decision to be done. Most of our friends are still expanding their families (or haven't quite started yet), and although we're raising our children together, we're at different stages in parenthood. I'm sure I seem insane to them for feeling this way, heck I feel insane in my OWN head some days ;) I have brought 2 beautiful girls into this world, and I'm grateful.

I need to work on being present, and absorbing every single moment I am given. I keep having these thoughts in my head 'This is the best it's ever going to be, at this very moment my babes are the youngest they'll ever be again! Why do they have to grow so fast?' Then I'm all 'Get a grip, Molly! Enjoy it while they're still young, stop living in the future and thinking about them growing up and moving away!' I'm TERRIFIED of letting go, my babies growing up and moving away. Who will I be if I am not Macie and Addaline's mother 24/7? Who will I be if I'm not cleaning up messes, giving hugs, wiping tears, kissing boo-boo's, helping mend broken hearts, spending countless hours shopping at Justice when all I want to do is roll my eyes at their prices, hitting the volleyball in the driveway for hours, kicking the soccer ball around, trash talking about playing golf and who can putt the best, going to school programs and parties, etc... I *may* be overly dramatic, and acting like I'm dying and will miss all these things, but goodness I am having a heck of a time with letting my girls grow up. Please tell me I am not the only mother that has ever felt this way?!! It's a season I wish wouldn't end. I told Addaline last night at dinner I wish that she could stay 5 forever! 

You're probably thinking 'Get a hold of yourself, Molly! Goodness sakes!' It's only going to get worse tomorrow when I take my blonde, independent 5 year old to kindergarten round up, watch her get on the bus and wave at me with her big cheesy grin, without a care in the world. I'll smile and be happy for her, but on the inside all I can think of is 'I don't want to let go!!!!' I'm already in a puddle of tears just typing that!{I may need medication, HA!}

From now on, I'm going to pick up my phone less, and love on my girls more. Not worry so much about making sure my house is clean, and spend more time making a mess (even though on the inside I'll be stricken with anxiety about it, ha!) I'll do a better job about not getting upset when Gerrad gets the kids all riled up when they're supposed to be getting ready for bed. I'll take my youngest for ice cream or a Sonic happy hour drink after every allergy shot appointment, because she's a bad ass and didn't cry. I'll let my oldest have more sleepovers with friends because I know at this age she'd rather be with friends than her 'boring parents.' I'll listen to countless 'boy crazy' stories because I know it's the age (and I'll laugh when G looks like he might stroke out). I'll turn the music up loud in the car when their favorite song comes on, even if I loathe it. I'll enjoy turning all of Macie's socks right side out when I wash them, because in a few years that will be a faint memory.

I am beyond grateful that God blessed me with these sassy girls, and I pray every day that I don't totally screw them up, and that I'll learn to appreciate all the 'ordinary moments' I so often don't find important!

To give a little more perspective on Molly's crazy awesome crazy-awesome "Mom-ness", here is a little text conversation we had a couple weeks ago...

Ridiculous indeed! 

I've been asked over and over "if I missed the kids while on vacation..." and each and every single time I get wide-eyes in response to my "No" reply.  But seriously - Did I cry because I missed them and want to come home? No.  Did I think "man I wish we would have brought the kids"? No.  But that's what technology is for, we FaceTime'd with Jack almost every day, but even if we didn't my feelings wouldn't have changed.  I think every parent, mom, dad NEEDS to take some time away from their kids - it's good for us and allows us to recharge and it's good for the kids to learn and experience some separation from their parents. 

In my head I keep thinking, "I must not get it because 1) I'm the shittiest mom on Earth... 2) Jack and Bean are still so young?  3) I'm the most selfish individual I know, but really...I am! 4) I haven't yet experienced these "growing up firsts" like: Jack's First Tball Game, Jack's First Day of Preschool, Jack's First friend sleepover, Jack's First Crush... Personally, I'm going with option 1 and option 4 and if I'm totally honest a little bit of option 3!  Bash if you want, but I'm a damn good mother, we all are - just in different ways!  I know someday I'll experience what Molly is, every mother will...I just haven't...YET! 

 

In the end, my true philosophy... To Each Their Own!  Whatever makes you happy and your kids happy (*disclaimer: obviously if your actions cause harm to your children that does not make them happy and you should not do it) then do it!  Do it no matter what anyone else thinks or says.  We have one life, so live it!

So what category are you in?  Or are you in a league of your own?  Do tell!

xoxo