Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Santa Picture Fail - A Link Up...

Happy Wednesday, Hookstars Friends!
(this is the holiday season after all - friends seems more appropriate, see I'm not a Bitch 24/7...)

I'm super excited because I'm losing my Link Up Host V-Card today!  If only my Hot Box (Love You Nancy Clue) V-Card could have lasted half as long as my Link Up V-Card maybe I wouldn't have been called a slut in high school!  Oh well, no dwelling on to my "too adventurous, curious, but oh so fun, sorry you boyfriend likes me more than you, them Bitches were just jealous" past and how totally AWESOME it was... man, those really were the days!

Whoa, that quickly went a stray didn't it?!  Haha! 

Ok, today I'm talking about every Parent's favorite way to torture their kids annual nightmare... a visit to see the man, the myth - Kris Kringle, good 'ole Saint Nick, Fat Guy in the Red Suit, Father Christmas, Black Peter (for all you Moroccans, but seriously... Black Peter? that sounds more like something a guy with an awful STD gets...), or if you like the traditional Santa Clause or Santa for short!  We as parents know what we are getting into every year as Christmas nears... the screaming, the crying, the look of pure terror, scarring them for life and potentially turning our children into psychopathic, serial killers that will indeed murder us in our sleep in 20 years!  But every year we do it.  We get them dressed up and "pump" them up for weeks in advance - "Santa is so cool!  Santa is nice!  He's fat, all fat guys are nice! He will bring you gifts!  I'll buy you wwhhhhaaattteeevvveeerr you want if you just sit on the F'n guy's lap..."  Blah, Blah, Blah, all the while praying selfishly to ourselves that we end up with just ONE decent shot for this year's Christmas Card so that our Fat Momma Asses don't have to be on it AGAIN in the dreaded "Family Photo"... Am I right ladies, or am I right?  I know I'm right!

So, let's get to it... I'm going to present these to you in order from Least Funny Horrible to Most Hysterical Horrible!

Exhibit A - Jack's Very First Santa Encounter
Santa Stats
Year: 2010
Jack's Age: 18 Months
Location: Work Christmas Party
Santa Quality Rating: -3
Overall Experience: Boring
First, let me apologize for the shitty ass, cell phone quality picture!  I have to say, this Santa even gave me the creeps - he was early 20's, had obvious brown hair, weighted maybe a Buck-Fifty, and gave off the general "I'm going to eat your kids" vibe! Thus the reason for the Negative Three rating.  Needless to say, I couldn't really can't blame Jack for his "Get me the F out of here!" expression!  He also went catatonic, froze and was stiff as a board!  He never screamed, but there was absolutely no way in hell he was going to smile, ever!  All in all, not a horrible experience, boring at most.
Exhibit B - Jack's Third, Norah's First Santa Encounter

Santa Stats
Year: 2012
Jack's Age: 3.5 Years
Norah's Age: 9 Months
Location: Images by Stacey Photography Studio
Santa Quality Rating: 10! Motha' F'n 10!
Overall Experience: Fan-Freak'n-Tastic
I wish you could see more of the background, but this image is only on the ornament we got - it is what it is!  I love Stacey's Santa - he is the real deal, y'all!  This is the second year we've gone to Images by Stacey for our Santa pictures and we won't go anywhere else from now on!  Jack was quick to climb on Santa's lap and Norah didn't protest to me plopping her big, puffy, diapered bottom right down on his knee either...for the first 30 seconds!  It was about that time you could just see it click on her face..."there's my Momma, there's my Daddy...who the F is holding me?" She promptly turned around, saw Santa's beard, pulled it and started crying!  Me, being the fabulous mother that I am, laughed and told Stacey to keep taking pictures as Norah continued to get more and more upset!  My main man, Jack, thought it was hilarious as well!  Santa proved he is a true professional as he maintained his poise and looked oh so caring/lovingly at Norah!  The proof is in the picture and I love PROOF!  Also, after I grudgingly nabbed Norah off Santa's lap, Jack proceeded to tell him what he wanted for Christmas - a hunting 4-wheeler, a hunting shotgun, a hunting pisshole (pistol), a hunting holster and hunting clothes... seriously, he is The Husband's son. 
Exhibit C - Jack's Second Santa Encounter
Santa Stats
Year: 2011
Jack's Age: 2.5 Years
Location: Images by Stacey Photography Studio
Santa Quality Rating: 10!
Overall Experience: Traumatic (for Jack) and Awesome (for Momma)

This picture is the epitome of a Classic Santa Picture Fail!  Classic, I say!  The entire experience, from the moment we stepped through the door at the studio, I knew we were in for some Santa trouble!  As soon as Jack saw Santa, he tensed up and tightened his Kung-Fu grip on my leg! I eventually picked him up and walked slowly towards Kris (Kringle that is), talking to Jack the whole way - "You just have to sit on his lap and tell him what you want for Christmas!  I'll go get you a toy when we are done!  You want ice cream?"  Nothing worked and Jack was not going to be letting me put him down anytime soon, not as long as the Big Guy in Red was in the room.  Stacey asked if I wanted to just skip it... I replied with a quick, "Hell no!  You get ready, I'm just going to peel him off and put him on his lap and see what we get!"  Above is what we got and I love it!  I had literally just peeled my shirt out of Jack's right hand and Stacey snapped 2 shots and we got lucky!  Again, Stacey's Santa had an MVPS performance, smiling at the camera like a sleeping newborn was in his arms - not the screaming, bucking, kicking toddler that was my son!  Best part, as soon as Jack got off Santa's lap and we started to walk away he said, "Now, where's my Elmo?"
Now I leave you with our "good" - although boring - Santa Picture for 2012! 
Merry Christmas, Y'all!



  1. hahahahha. Oh my LORD. I'm over Santa pics, I let my parents take her if they want one because the line is always 2 hours long and she never smiles.

  2. Once you go Black Peter, you don't go back.

  3. OMG priceless sista - this is hilarious. I am linking up tonight - forgot all my pics today in Elle's clothes melt-down. BOO:(

  4. OMG me & you were the same in high school. Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hott like me? Lol lame bitches... and they wonder why we turned out so NOT bitchy...

  5. Oh I'll be posting my Santa pics later!

  6. These are priceless! Jack's second Santa picture is the best!! I would frame that!

  7. These are great! This was a genius link up!

  8. I love the last picture, both of the kids look slightly drugged. Haha! But hey, at least they aren't screaming. :)

  9. I recently discovered your blog and thought you would be a great person to get the Liebster Award. So I nominated you on my page. Hope you have fun with it! :) and Happy Weds were almost there!!

  10. Love the 2011 Santa pic! haha. Found your blog through Holly at Where we can live like Jack and Sally!
    Would love for you to stop by!

  11. Hi Darci! New follower. I loved the idea of this linkup so just had to join in the fun! Your kids are toooo cute! I love how Jack looks like he's laughing at Norah in the first! Too funny!

  12. I have to say that Crying babies on Santa's lap are my favorite! Love this little link up such a cute idea:)

  13. You are my favorite hot box ever, babydoll! Loved this idea... sorry I didn't link up... no Santa fails up in here. I'm a bad mom.. only taken Addy to see Santa once. Probably because I knew that a Santa fail was inevitable. Jack and Norah are precious AS ALWAYS.

  14. I WILL be linking up! We are waiting for daddy to get home from a long 2 weeks away to get santa pictures taken. We have no fails yet, but I am thinking this year will be GOOOOOOD!!!!


  15. So funny. When Max was 1 or 2, he refused to go up to Santa, even after waiting in line forever. I didn't make him go up, but now I'm wishing I would have just to get a Santa Fail pictures.

  16. When Max was 1 (I think) he refused to go up to Santa even after waiting in a long line. I didn't make him go up, but I have always regretted it because I would have loved to have a crying Santa picture. Instead, I have nothing. Boo. :(