I need some feedback and opinions and who better to ask then my closest, almost 100 followers, blogging besties!?
Here's my conundrum... The sharing, or lack there of, of holidays with the in-laws. I've mentioned this before, The Husband's family is very selfish with holiday time... and this applies to all holidays, all year round.
A quick family rundown for me and The Husband...
My Family Low Down - My parents are divorced, have been since I was like 4 or 5. My Dad is remarried to the girl I thought was my babysitter because she is only 13 years my senior. My Mom never remarried and lives alone with her 3 cats. My only brother is engaged to his soon-to-be second wife, he has a 4 year old girl with his ex-wife and a 2 year old boy with his one night stand. Then there is me, the "normal" one.
The Husband's Family Low Down - His parents have been married for 30 years, no one is divorced anywhere within the immediate family. His Grandparents have been married 50 years. His brother is married with 1 kid. His 2 sisters were adopted in the last 6-7 years after The Husband and his brother graduated college and moved out of their parent's house. His Grandparents, Parents, all Aunts/Uncles, his Brother and all his cousins still live in the same town where he grew up. The Husband is the only person in the family that has moved away from his small 3,000 people hometown!
Couldn't be more different, huh? With all the divorces on my side it's hard to schedule things so that everyone can get together - between my mom working Saturdays, my brother arranging both his kids with both baby-Momma's and my Dad bowing down, scared shitless of my babysitter (his wife)... It's a shit storm to say the least. This is why I never really pressed the holiday time/sharing situation. But now that I have my own kids and my brother has kids I feel like the way we've been going about holidays the last 7 years is totally unfair, one-sided and fucked up!
Here is a summary, with examples, of how we spend each holiday:
Easter - We always spend Easter Sunday at his Grandparent's house and wait on the rolls. Then we work in my family the following weekend or even two weeks later.
Memorial Day Weekend - Spear Family Reunion Sat/Sun. On Sunday we visit like 5 different cemeteries all around Tulsa, OK - this is so much fun I almost stab my eyeballs out at cemetery #2 every year! Monday we again meet his whole family (all 23 people in his immediate family on his Dad's side) and spend 4 hours driving all over SEK to another 4-6 cemeteries, on this day I just take a flask with vanilla vodka, get drunk and roll my eyes...a lot! My family does nothing, like normal people.
4th of July - We spend all day at his Grandparent's house sitting outside in the 100+ degree heat. Have I ever mentioned I don't do sitting and sweating? IMO there is never a reason to sweat when you are simply sitting and not moving! Totally unacceptable in my world! Again, my family doesn't get together on Independence Day and read the Constitution or whatever old document that have us freedom was/is.
Halloween (no I'm not kidding) - His parent's have a Halloween party every.single.fucking.year. I get it, he has 2 younger sisters - however, said sisters are old enough (14 and 11) they don't want a Halloween party either!
Thanksgiving and Christmas are where my problem/aggravation lies/lays - do I have an English teacher flower? Which way is that supposed to go!? Lies/Lays?!?
Thanksgiving - Thanksgiving Day we are always at his Grandparent's house. There are always rolls and they are always late! We usually go back to C-Town to see my family like that following Saturday (keep in mind we have to do two-fors in C-Town... Dad and Mom separately). Then The Husband's mother seems to forget that we just had their Thanksgiving on Thursday, and she has another Thanksgiving on Sunday. Yes, I'm serious.
Christmas - This is where I get really annoyed... Christmas Eve, his grandparent's house for dinner and gifts (his family buys gifts for everyone, they don't like do kids only or draw names - needless to say The Husband uses his own money for all of that shit! I think it's ridiculous!). Now, get this shit... Christmas morning, bright and early...like 6am... We have to be back at his parent's house for Santa (we live about 35-40 minutes away from them) no I'm not shitting/teasing/fucking with you. His parents make his sisters wait on us to get there to do Santa and all their gifts. This drives me more bat-shit, I'm going to kill someone, crazy then waiting on the fucking rolls! Then we "hang out" at their house all.damn.day. When do we see my family you ask? Well, usually the weekend before or the weekend after Christmas.
So here are my questions...
1. Is your Holiday situation similar?
2. Do you share or rotate Holidays each year? Like switch off Thanksgiving and Christmas each year with each other's families...
3. Should I demand we share holidays? The major ones anyway...if yes, how should I approach this subject, without being called an even bigger Bitch then I already am, not that I really care though!
4. Give me your thoughts and ideas, PLEASE!!
xoxo Darci
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All of this running around totally takes the fun out of everything!! Also do your kids even have time to enjoy Santa gifts at your house? I would totally change the situation but like you would have no idea where to start. And all of those cemeteries, SHOOT ME PLEASE! Lol good luck!!
ReplyDeleteKelly, you make a huge/good point! No, we rush Santa time at our house and usually do it before bed on Christmas Eve afer we get home from his Grandparent's house. :-(
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ReplyDeleteI was hoping i wasnt the only one with these problems. Granted not to the extent that you do :( first off does your husband know how u feel all about this? Sharing between families can be so tough! My husband and I are still trying to figure that one out. Have u tried maybe rotating every year? Like one Christmas ur with ur family and the next his? Also, how about getting both famiilies together? Is that a crazy question? Lol my suggestion is to definitely have a serious convo with your husband and nail down a plan for the following years to come and just stick with it. You may upset some members of his family but you have to do what is best for you guys.
ReplyDeleteI think we should totally rotate holidays, but I think having "Santa" time Christmas morning at our house with our little 4-some is a great first step!
DeleteGood luck as you begin walking the merging family line - it can be hell!
That really sucks snowballs! I would not be ok with not seeing my family! We alternate who we eat thanksgiving dinner w/, but we still see both families on that day. We wake up Christmas morning w/ my family and spend christmas night with his. It helps that our towns are only about an hour apart. Our problem is going to be when our kids get older and we want to wake up at our home which is 3 hrs from both parents...dreading the day that I have to tell MY mom that one!
ReplyDeleteHis parents are ike 35 minutes away and my family is about an hour...so doable, but I don't want to. I want to spend time with MY family too - without 50 other F'n people! Is that too much to ask!?
DeleteI am totally stressing out about merging holidays for this reason! I'd like to avoid any drama or inconvenience with the fiance! This is our first year even trying to get to each other's family for Christmas, so we shall see. Unfortunately, his family doesn't drink so I will have no relief from that mess :( Good luck!! I guess I should just be lucky I don't spend a weekend touring cemeteries :-/
ReplyDeleteI had never heard of doing the cemetery thing either until his family. I mean, sure we would go out to like my great grandparent's graves and set out flowers but that was it.
DeleteYour Hubs should be open to the fact that you want a Santa tradition at your house and you want your children to know their cousins {brother's kids}. My Hubs and I switch off Thanksgiving and Christmas Day. If we can manage all the traveling in a day, sometimes we can fit in a lunch with one family and a dinner with another family. All others are the weekends before or after.
ReplyDeleteI think The Husband would be open to Santa at our house, his major hold up is his sisters and the fact that his parent's make them wait for all of us to get there! I didn't even mention that his Brother and his wife and kid STAY the night at their parent's house so they can "wake up" there... and they live in the same town! haha!
DeleteI haven't celebrated a holiday with my family on the actual holiday in about seven years. My mom got pissed that she was spending hours getting ready, and then people would be gone in an hour or two. So now we do it the weekend before or after. I used to have the same problem with my inlaws, not as severe as you but it was bad. Lucky for me, we no longer celebrate with the in laws because of some other issues, so for the last yeat or so I have been able to do what I want on holidays with my little family of four. Good luck... and can you please offer to bring the rolls this year?
ReplyDeleteOh, I offered to bring a desert once b/c you know I like apple pie and no one ever makes it - I made the pie and everything and then The Husband said it would be rude to take it...so I threw a huge fit and trashed it just to be a Bitch.
DeleteI say start your own traditions, especially as your children get older. Open presents at your house, (if his parents want to be there, they can come to you) do a quick drive by to his parents and see your parents the same day or start a Christmas Eve tradition with your parents or his. You are WAY too nice girl! We draw names at my dad's families house, too many damn people. Good luck girl.
ReplyDeleteThis is exactly what I'm thinking!
DeleteI would absolutely not be going anywhere christmas morning. Id say this applies to this year and all the years in the future. You owe that to your kids!
ReplyDeleteI fully agree! xoxo
DeleteDivorcedchildproblems. That's how my husband families is too. My parents are more lax since they are divorced and are used to celebrating on different days. Thanksgiving we host my hubs family at our house all 20 of us, and when I had surgery last year nobody offered to do so no thanksgiving on that side. Sat after thanksgiving is my dads day, and Sunday us my moms. Christmas Eve my moms, Christmas Day my hubs fam, and sat after Christmas my dads. We have it worked out pretty well but I think you have every right to say woa...you have family too that you would like to spend with. Seems like his fam is monopolizing everything. Maybe use the kids are to young for all this card, and get things changed before they get to old. Good luck it's always so hard when dealing with family.
ReplyDeleteI would be open to just starting with like spending Christmas morning at our home with our kids...then figuring the other shit out later.
DeleteI completely understand.
ReplyDeleteBefore we had Hazel we did the same thing. Jonathan's family lives 2 hours away. So even the first 2 years Hazel was born this is how our Christmas morning was. Christmas morning at our house. Driving 1.5 hours to my sisters. Drive 1 hour to my uncles. Drive 2 hours to Jonathan's family. Needless to say we NEVER had a relaxing Christmas. We were always crabby because we had to get up at 5 to get ready for the day and usually didn't get in bed till 11...
So this year I simply put my foot down. We always do Thanksgiving with his family each year so therefore we are doing Christmas the weekend before Christmas with his family and then just doing Christmas morning here then going to my uncles (which is an hour away). But my family is full of divorceces too so we do the day before Christmas Eve with my dad. Then Christmas eve with his mother. Then Christmas day with my mom & her side of the family.... It's still a lot of fucking traveling but just eliminating his side of the family too is going to be awesome... They were very understanding (I made Jonathan tell them)... So hopefully we can have a relaxing day!!
Also.... someone needs to learn how to time the fucking rolls better!!!!! haha
Oh, the rolls! Haha! They are so good, but it kills me every.single.time how we wait on them! I'm glad you are figuring out your situation. His family already sees me as the mean/bitch wife/daughter-in-law so I guess it can't really get any worse!
DeleteAlso... I didn't realize people actually celebrated Memorial Day... Super strange!
ReplyDeleteWe try to work it out so that we alternate between families for each holiday. It doesn't always work out though, as the bf's fam didn't get either Thanksgiving or Christmas last year (for various reasons) and his mom was pissed. She handled it nicely in her best passive-aggressive way, though. Maybe you can sit down with your husband and work out a schedule for the holidays so that everyone gets a turn. And, I'm sorry, but going over to your in-laws for Christmas morning? That shit has to stop. You and he are married with you own children and should be able to enjoy the magic of Christmas morning with your kids at your own house.
ReplyDeleteWow, that was really opinionated.
I love your opinion! Haha! I think I am putting the Christmas morning foot down! Wish me luck!
DeleteChristmas Day is OUR day! We do not travel on Christmas day at all. We don't go to his family's or mine. That was a stance I took once we had Wyatt and it has still remained. We/You have to start your own family traditions and that's not going to happen following one family or the other. I totally get you on the whole parent divorced thing because it sucks major balls!
ReplyDeleteUm...why the hell didn't you fill me in on this earlier!? Haha!
DeleteGirl, bless your heart. I would fucking kill someone doing all that! Cemetery, really!? Fuck that. When me and the hubs first got together it was decided that he for Thanksgiving and I got Christmas because Christmas day is also my sisters birthday, so therefore more important to me. Unfortunately my hubs family has no traditions whatsoever, so normally I get Thanksgiving day and they plan around it (no traditions, remember) and I get Christmas day (sister's birthday) that gives them 363 other days to plan their gatherings. Mind you today is December 19th and my hubs family still has no idea what we're doing foe Christmas. Unlike my family whose been doing the same shit since the beginning of time. I think you have a big problem and need to voice your opinion ASAP. Just send this blog to your MIL ;-)
ReplyDeleteThis was a comment from Erin - I accidentally delete instead of published! My bad!
OMG, Darci! How have you not murdered someone? Sounds like you've already made up your mind to do this, but I highly endorse keeping Christmas morning at your place. When we Pete and I were dating/engaged, we split up for Christmas morning and opened the tree at our parents' homes, and then last year we said "hell no" and kept Christmas morning at our place. It was AMAZING (and we don't even have kids. I promise you: one laid-back Christmas at home and your husband will never want to do anything else)!
ReplyDeleteIt might be awkward the first year to say you're going to switch off holidays, but it's worth it. Your kids will have much better holiday memories. Do it for the kids! ;)
Oh yeah, and I don't teach English, but I'm pretty sure it's lies, not lays.
Haha! Lies...Lays...who the F knows! I think I have decided to have the "Christmas Morning" at our house discussion tonight! :-) Love you Bitches for all your feedback!
DeleteOh Lord! My family rotates Thanksgiving, one year at my sister's, the next year at our house. Christmas we always spend at home! I can't imagine my kids waking up and having to travel to somewhere else to have Christmas morning. Maybe when they're older. As in, in their teens or in college. Lol. And if I were you, I'd probably throw a big @ss childish tantrum to get my point across to the husband, well....if talking to him calmly and rationally didn't work out. I think rotating holidays is a very nice compromise, an then both sides of the family can't really argue with it because after all, you're just trying to be fair so everyone gets the same amount of time with your family on the actual holiday.
ReplyDeleteThe consistent theme is Christmas morning at home and I fully agree! Wish me luck with this discussion with The Husband! :-)
DeleteNew follower here. In my house I am a huge bitch for holidays. My family doesn't live close but is just as crazy as yours (mom, dad and all but one set of grandparents is divorced and re married). My hubs family is similar to your hubs. All still married to their first spouse, adopted cousins, etc. But for us holidays go like this... the day I found out we were pregnant with my oldest (he's now 4 ) I told my in laws and parents that for all holidays and birthdays we would be at OUR house. If they want to come over they are more than welcome. My dad lives a few hours away and usually comes and spends the night. But my in laws come for a few hours and leave. I'm not dragging my children over Gods green creation when they are babies/ kids. In middle school that may change. But for now I don't care who I piss off. My kids are the ones we are making memories for. Not my in laws or parents.
ReplyDeleteThanks for following! :-)
DeleteI so wish I would have just put my foot down in the beginning! Ugh! But enough is enough, especially now that we have TWO kids!
And you are absolutely right, the memories are for the kids, F the adults!
I feel you! I could relate to your situation on every level! My family lives in Pennsylvania (parents divorced) and I am in in-law land, 5 hours away in Virginia. I have put my foot down and we travel to PA quite a bit. (FY-fucking-I...we live across the street from my in-laws. And the rest of the extended in-law fam lives within a 5-minute-radius) we see his family all the damn time, so my husband can't argue with my as-consistent-as-possible trips to PA.
ReplyDeleteFor Christmas and Thanksgiving, we rotate every year. This year was Thanksgiving in PA so here in VA for Christmas. My son is 15 months old and the only grandchild on my husbands side. Just last night, my MIL said "just call us when R wakes up and we'll come over." Um hell no! I told the hubs the second we stepped out of the house that WOULD NOT be happening. We will do our little Christmas with the 3 of us when R wakes up and then the in-laws can come over bearing gifts and breakfast!
My first advice to you is to switch up the holidays...especially Thanksgiving and Christmas since they seem to be "the biggest"
And second....um, hell to the no on that 6 am shit. Their son now has his own little family of 4 that should do that early morning shit at his house.
It's hard to break traditions, but you gotta create your own sometimes.
It won't be easy...but it'll be worth it!
Shoot me an email some time! cherry_kab@hotmail.com. I love to bitch about my in-laws, but i cant on my blog cos im pretty sure my sis-in-law reads it! (I feel i must add a disclaimer that I do love and appreciate all that they do for us...but come on,they're IN-LAWS so bitching goes without question!)
Haha! I tried to email you, but your profile is set to no reply or something! I'll shoot you an email at the one you listed though! Who doesn't like bitching about their in-laws!? It goes with the territory, no?
DeleteIt totally goes with the territory!!
DeleteYeah, I think it's because I'm on blogger through Google+. Holly gave me someone's email who figured out how to fix the "no reply". I should probably find out and change that!!
Girl, how you haven't killed or at least cussed out any of your in-laws I don't know, but I think you are a saint for it! HA
ReplyDeleteSorry, it may be just me, but just because the rest of the family are sheeple doesn't mean you have to be. You have your own family and it's time for you to start some traditions of your own with your children! Your in-laws also have to realize that you have a family as well and not only is it selfish, but down right rude that they expect you to spend every friggin holiday with them. I think it's time you start verbalizing your mean muggin'!!!!! :)
Wow, that is all crazy! I think you guys need to just say that it is time to start your own traditions with your famiy, they should understand that since they seem to be big on tradition, I mean they had to start that at some point in their own family right? And why are the 14 and 11 year olds having to wait until 6 to open presents? Why are they up that early?! I was never up that early for Christmas after I turned like 8. I can't imagine trying to be somewhere that early on Christmas. We do both families but last year we decided it was time to have Christmas at our house and we told both families that they were welcome to come over if they wanted but that we were starting our own tradition. It worked out great, much less stressful holiday. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteummmm yes, you should demand some time! and you should demand that your kids get to see santa at your own house without running out the damn door. i am totally with you on this....and i can feel your pain. you know how your family has divorces? well so does mine, and then I have a baby daddy and his parents are divorced. there are at least 473 different families on my side and then my husband has like 3 people. i almost dread the holidays because it is so much juggling! put your foot down woman!!!
ReplyDeleteI'm impressed you've put up with it this long, unacceptable!! Being considered a bitch for wanting to spend equal time with your family is not even something I can comprehend.
ReplyDeleteAnother perspective, I'm in a long term relationship but not married and no kids. We used to spend holidays with my family and brother and now that he is married with kids and has to fit her family in I of course want to yell and scream and make him and those babies spend all their time with me but come on - it wouldn't even be an option, ya know?! I'd be the bitch for asking them to NOT share their time.
Bottom line, you're not the one being ridiculous about this situation!
I can't wait to hear how the conversation with the hubs went!!! Not going to lie, I hope it was dramatic! :)
ReplyDeleteI would totally tell EVERYONE that if they wanted to see you they had to come to your place. Do your own thing. When you have your own family that is what you have to do.
ReplyDelete